Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
