He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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