First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Terrible idea I love it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
