he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
