Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
