i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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