Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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