Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
