I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
