Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
