Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
sex in a hospital.. check
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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