Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
two words: eviction party
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
