ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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