I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
