Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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