We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize