Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
