If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
