Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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