her vagine was all disorganized.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
