the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
