saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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