I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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