apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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