Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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