Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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