I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
