goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
