He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
