somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
