Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots