I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
