Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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