winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
