My nipple is on Facebook.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
