My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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