Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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