I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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