If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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