Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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