so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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