so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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