Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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