I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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