I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
