weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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