I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
