apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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