My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i love accidental penises.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
