I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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