I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We have started to decorate penises.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
