I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
