woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.