Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Watching her eat just hurts me
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers